


The tragedy of Tsukishima Kei

by SeaMint



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/F, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, but i swear it's centered on tsukkiyama, but just one, there's more kagehina than tsukkiyama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-20 03:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10654212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaMint/pseuds/SeaMint
Summary: Tsukishima has a predicament. Said predicament may or may not include pining over his best friend, aforementioned best friend crushing on someone else, and helping what might be the most annoying person he knows through the same situation.





	1. In sickness and in health, but mostly sickness

“Tsukki?” Says a voice. Tsukishima is forced to wipe away tears, to put on his signature smirk. It was slightly wobbly as his lips quivered. He felt a certain warmth, a familiar, home-reminiscent one, plop down beside him.

“Yamaguchi,” He finds himself acknowledging. “How’d it go?”

“I don’t know,” Yamaguchi would say, an uncharacteristic bitterness framing his voice. “My ‘wingman’ never showed up for the ‘final blow’.” He too, copying Tsukki, buried his face in his knees.

“Sorry,” Tsukishima laughed, voice wavering. “I got caught up in my own personal deals.”

“…Tsukki?”

“Don’t worry, it’s not that bad. Just my own affairs. None of your concern.” He bit his lip, choking a sob that almost came out as he felt Yamaguchi’s hand place itself on Tsukishima’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“…Okay, if you say so,” Yamaguchi said suspiciously. “Anyways, Hinata said the team’s going to throw an early birthday party for Kageyama. You coming with?”  
“I don’t know. You?” 

“I’ll go if you go.”

“I have nothing better to do, anyways. So I’m going, then.”

“Ah, okay.”

* * *

On an early Friday morning, Tsukishima found himself waiting outside the gym. It would be freezing around December, so early in the mornings, it would be enough to give someone hypothermia. 

“Wouldn’t expect you to be here this early,” enters a new person. He looked up to Daichi. “Trying to race with someone?”

 _No,_ Tsukishima thinks. _I’m not like those two idiots._ “I’m just early, as instructed.”

“Okay, then.” Tsukishima stood up and moved aside to let their captain unlock the doors. “Is Yamaguchi coming?” 

“Yeah, I just happened to arrive earlier.”

“That’s odd,” Added a new voice. Tsukishima quickly recognised this as Sugawara. 

“G’morning, Sugawara.”

“Good morning, Daichi,” Sugawara returned. The three entered the gym one by one. “Kiyoko just texted me. She said she’s got the cake. Yachi bought the decorations, too.”

“That’s good.” Daichi looked over at Tsukishima, who hesitantly returned the glance. “You can help us decorate.”

* * *

Halfway into decorating, most of the volleyball team turned up. This made the process faster, and soon the gym was decorated with streamers, balloons, and a banner that said “Happy birthday, Kageyama!”. 

“Kageyama’s coming!” Hinata shouted as he burst through the door. He slammed it shut and ran in to join the cluster of people that gathered in the centre of the gym.

“Hinata! You dumbass! I told you not to run ahe—“ Kageyama panted from the doorway, but he got cut off by the team loudly singing “happy birthday”. 

“Happy birthday, Kageyama!” Shouted everyone (save for the lone “Happy birthday, Bakageyama!” from Hinata). Kiyoko came forward, holding out the cake with 16 lit candles on it.

“I—uh… uh,” 

“Make a wish!” Prodded Hinata. Kageyama paused for a moment and blew on the candles.

* * *

“Daichi, do you happen to know where Yamaguchi went?” Tsukishima poked at the piece of cake he cut for himself.

“Hm? Was he going?”

“I think so.”

“Maybe he texted you. Go see.”

_From: Tadashi_  
Tsukki, I got sick. I’m not gonna go  
Received: 6:37 am 

_From: Tadashi_  
Sorry.  
Received: 6:37 am 

“Daichi, I have to go.” Tsukishima pocketed his phone.

“Already?”

“Yeah. Yamaguchi’s sick.”

“Oh, bring him some of those then.” Daichi pointed at the table with food. Specifically the bowl of untouched fries. “He likes those, right?”

“Yes, he does. Thank you.” 

“Leaving already?” Asked Hinata as Tsukishima tied the small plastic bag shut. 

“Yeah.” Tsukishima checked his phone for any other messages. “Yamaguchi isn’t feeling too good.”

“Bring him some cake, then,” Nishinoya said. 

“Will do,” replied Tsukishima. He just needed to hurry. He needs to check on Yamaguchi.

* * *

“Oh, Kei. I didn’t expect you to be here. Tadashi is upstairs.” Yamaguchi’s dad walks out of the house. Tsukishima took a look at his retreating back and locked the door.

He went to where he knows is Yamaguchi’s room. After all, from years of being friends with the boy he’s sure to know how to get to the boy’s bedroom.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi rasped. He looked okay. His face was a little red. But apart from that, he looked fine. _Looked._

“Tadashi.” Tsukishima put the plastic bags on Yamaguchi’s desk. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay, mostly. I have a sore throat, my body aches a little, and my head does too; other than that, I’m fine.” Yamaguchi nodded. “Say, why’d you go here?”

“The party was boring,” Tsukishima lied.

“Really? That's not what Hinata texted.” 

Tsukishima curses at himself for lying in the first place. Tsukishima unconsciously jolts at the thought of Yamaguchi seeing right through him. 

“Why are you still standing up? Take a seat, lie down, or something,” Yamaguchi invited. Tsukishima took the offer and sat down beside Yamaguchi, who was sitting up on his bed

“You’re really warm,” Tsukishima said.

“That’s what happens when you’re sick.”

“Right.” An awkward silence filled the room.

“Listen—”

“So—” The two started at the same time. Yamaguchi nodded his head. Tsukishima took it as a gesture to go first.

“Listen, Tadashi, I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“You know… ruining your plan. Although it might not have worked anyways,” Tsukishima smirked.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi laughed and slapped Tsukishima’s back a little too hard. Tsukishima jerked forward in surprise. His glasses nearly fall off. “Sorry, Tsukki! That was a little too—“

Tsukishima smiled. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

“So what were you gonna say?” Tsukishima asked.

“Oh, yeah… Are you okay?”

“What?”

“I mean, you know… That day, when you sort of didn’t show up. You were crying.” There’s a pause as he finishes recalling. “Are you okay?” Yamaguchi breathes. Tsukishima froze. He refuses to look at Yamaguchi. He stares at the wall. “Tsukki?”

Tsukishima feigned scratching the back of his neck. “Oh? Well, I just wasn’t feeling particularly good that day.”

“Tsukki…”

“Don’t push it, Yamaguchi.” Yamaguchi looked at him funny. A shiver ran up Tsukishima’s spine. The warmth was there again; right beside him. Ever present than before. It enveloped him now. He can feel Yamaguchi’s soft breathing. Yamaguchi was hugging him from the side.

“Kei, I don’t know what’s happening with you, but I’m your friend. I wanna be there for you.” Yamaguchi is inevitable. “Please.”

Tsukishima felt himself being dragged down to lie on the bed beside Yamaguchi. His feet dangled off the edge. His shoes were still on. Tsukishima took those off and lied down properly.

Yamaguchi’s arms were still around him, engulfing him in that familiar warmth.

“This is stupid,” Tsukishima commented. He turned to face Yamaguchi, anyways. The younger boy’s face was buried into Tsukishima’s chest. The light of the sun filtered through the curtains, painting the room in bright colours. Tsukishima, on instinct, placed an arm around Yamaguchi too.

“What’s stupid?” Yamaguchi giggled. Tsukishima felt his face heat up at the sound. 

“This. You're sick. I shouldn’t be next to a sick person; I’ll get sick,” Tsukishima stated monotonously. Yamaguchi stayed still. Tsukishima unwillingly pulls the smaller boy closer.

“It’s not stupid if you do it, Tsukki.”

* * *

Tsukishima is sick the next day.

Yamaguchi, deciding it was his fault, pays him a visit after classes. 

It’s Mrs. Tsukishima who greets him at the door. “Hello, Tadashi!” She chirps, as if expecting him. Yamaguchi nods and asks for her son. “Oh, up in his room. He’s been on his phone all day. Was he texting you?”

Yamaguchi, confused, shakes his head. “He hasn’t contacted me since yesterday.”

“Strange.” Mrs. Tsukishima turns to leave, her tone of voice indicating she does not, at all, find it strange. “Strange, indeed.”

Yamaguchi heads upstairs, duly noting that the Tsukishima household is, in fact, an odd one.

He arrives at Tsukishima’s room, opening the door to Tsukishima typing on his phone. “Tsukki?” The sound startles the blond. Tsukishima turns to look at the intruder. In turn, he shuts off his phone.

“Yama—“ He starts a coughing fit, then clears his throat. “Guchi. I was expecting you’d come.”

“Of course,” Yamaguchi smiles. “Mom made you soup.”

“Leave it there,” Tsukishima says nonchalantly. He spares a glance at his desk.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi starts. Tsukishima hums in acknowledgement. “I’m sorry.”

Tsukishima seems to sink further down his covers. “Shut up, Yamaguchi,” He groans, voice muffled by the duvet. Yamaguchi almost laughs at how vulnerable his best friend looks when he’s sick. “None of this is your fault.”

“Yes, it is,” Yamaguchi reasons. “I made you lie down and stay, I’m sorry.”

“But I,” _the lovestruck bastard I am,_ “Did so anyways. It was my choice to—”

“Tsukki, you got sick. Just please, it’s my fault I…” 

“Tadashi,” Tsukishima says sternly. “It. Was. My. Choice. I’m a fucking idiot, okay? I fell asleep there, okay? I caught your infection just because I wanted to make sure you were alright, okay? So shut up!”

His face, Yamaguchi notes, is red and coated thinly with a veil of sweat. His last words, though louder than the rest, is airy and panted. Yamaguchi decides, for what is definitely better for the both of them, to just shut his mouth.

Then he takes a step forward.

“No, Yamaguchi.”

There’s mere centimetres between him and the bed.

“Yamaguchi.”

He sits down.

_“Yamaguchi.”_

“Kei,” Yamaguchi starts. “Regardless of whose fault it is, please,” he begs. “Let me help you.”

Tsukishima is quiet for a while, until he turns to face the wall away from Yamaguchi and grunts. “Fine.”

Yamaguchi wordlessly lessens the distance between him and Tsukishima. The blonde scoots away, but doesn’t say anything as Yamaguchi lies down on the bed too. Yamaguchi, engrossed in what to talk about, runs his fingers along Tsukishima’s shoulder. Tsukishima, in turn, turns around to face him.

“Anything interesting happen today?” He says, having lost interest in the wall. 

“Not much; though I heard from Kageyama that Hinata got his phone confiscated in class.”

Tsukishima pauses for a moment, as if realising something. He opens his mouth to speak “What an idiot.”

Yamaguchi snickers. “Kageyama said he was caught texting in class. You think it was the Nekoma setter?”

“No, I think the guy is sensible enough not to text in class.” Tsukishima infers. Yamaguchi nods in agreement.

“Well whoever it was, it must’ve been pretty important, because while the whole gym was laughing, Hinata was all jumpy and said he needed his phone back, otherwise it would mean the end of the world for someone.” Tsukishima lets out a puff of air at that, indicating he thought that was stupid.  
There’s a pause again. “I haven’t talked to Yachi since last Wednesday.”

“That sucks.”

Yamaguchi hums in approval. Tsukishima lets out a long, wet cough.

“Oh my God.” Yamaguchi jokes, wiping the barely-there saliva off his face. “You’re disgusting.”  
Tsukishima rolls his eyes and gets a wad of tissue from the box beside him. He gently dabs the soft material all over Yamaguchi’s face, trying not to miss a spot.

“You should get going,” He then yawns, pulling gently at his light-coloured locks. “I’m just going to sleep, anyways.”

“Mm, no, I think I’ll stay.”

“Whatever.”

 _Whatever_ , thinks Yamaguchi minutes later as Tsukishima presses himself against the brunet’s back, arms wrapping around his waist and going over the warm skin exposed from where Yamaguchi’s shirt has ridden up. There’s a soft whisper from the blond as he sleeps through his feverish haze. 

“Sorry, Tadashi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmfmfmfmf i hat e mE


	2. Pining Buddies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning, tsukki has a small panic attack in this chapter. But i can promise you there's no more to come. If reading that sort of stuff bothers you, you can skip from "an ugly feeling" to "the tall blond tugs on Hinata's sleeve"
> 
> other than that, happy reading !!

On good days, Tsukishima would be glad Hinata (and Kageyama, unfortunately.) found him all those ages ago behind the gym in a crumpled heap, crying like the mess he is. Since then, they’d both been a massive help to Tsukishima. If we will judge his day based on that criterion alone, this is far from a good day.

“Do you know what I had to go through?!” Screeches Hinata as he violently waves the box of milk Kageyama gave him. Drops of milk end up on the ground as he clenches his hand around the carton, effectively squeezing out milk through the straw.

“No need,” Tsukishima answers. “I’ve pieced the whole thing together through your texts. It was _so_ hard to squeeze details out of you.”

“What? But I… told you the whole— never mind. All those lies, Tsukishima! Because what, you were lonely and didn’t want to bother Yamaguchi while he was in class?”

Tsukishima blushes profusely and wipes a drop of milk that got too close for comfort with his glasses. “I didn’t say that,” he mutters. Hinata knew almost immediately he hit home. Hinata is absolutely furious.

“Tsukishima, you’ve been friends with him since middle school, okay? I can’t even recall all the times you’ve shamelessly told him to shut up. Why is it that you decide to start getting soft now, of all times?”

Tsukishima hates it when Hinata is actually right. “You’re only mad because of your cellphone, anyways.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m right,” the short boy grumbles, plopping himself down and finishing the remains of his milk.

He swears to whatever powerful deity out there that he positively hates it.

* * *

 

It’s a curse when Hinata has an idea and he decides to tell Tsukishima. It’s never good. Ever.

“You know what we should do?” Hinata pipes up as he approaches Tsukishima with the ever recurring milk box(™). Tsukishima can already feel the witches in his stomach stirring up a cauldron of worry, bubbling up to form a twisted expression that made HInata let slip a displeased noise.

“What?” The redhead asks, partly disgusted and partly concerned. “Do you have diarrhoea or something today?”

“No, you bumbling pea-brained idiot,” Tsukishima then regains control and puts on a disinterested smirk. “It’s just whenever you get an idea, I feel like the universe itself will implode in the next few moments.”

Hinata groans tiredly. “Do you want to hear it or not?” 

“I’d rather not be an accessory to the world ending.”

“Well too bad, I’m telling you anyways.” It’s now Tsukishima’s turn to groan. 

“We should tell them! Tsukishima, I know, I know, it’s stupid to compromise an 8 year friendship for your own stupid feelings, Russian roulette or whatever bullshit essay you sent me three days ago, but _listen–_ ”

“No, Hinata, we’ve been through this before.”

“We have?”

“No, but I’ve went through this conversation with you fifty times in my head, none of which ended smartly; well, for you, that is.”

Hinata makes another displeased noise, louder than the last. “Can’t you, like, not be a smart-ass for once? I’m trying here.”

Tsukishima rolls his eyes and gestures for Hinata to go on.

“Listen, okay? Why would Yamaguchi break everything off with you because you like him that way? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard from you. Honestly, the worst thing that could happen would be things are a little awkward. But him not being your best friend anymore? Tsukishima, you’re going to have to change your name to Stupid-dick-ma Gay.”

The last line made Tsukishima wonder how long Hinata has been thinking this through.

“That’s… actually a really good point,” Tsukishima acknowledges. “And how about you and Kageyama?” Hinata deflates a little. “Oh, don’t do that, you’re short enough without losing that one inch.”

“Whatever, you stupid dick, we can do quicks without off-court communication, anyways.”

That caught Tsukishima off-guard, as he didn’t expect Hinata to brush it off sort of solemnly, and also got him worried for his (dare he say it) friend’s own feelings.

* * *

 

Tsukishima isn’t sure how to feel when Yamaguchi ignores his already cut-off “let’s go?” in favour of whatever’s outside the gym. Feeling curious, he decides to play sleuth and find out what Yamaguchi’s probably keeping a secret from him. An ugly feeling wraps its long, sickly fingers around his stomach and squeezes quite hard, pushing everything towards his chest and making it heavy; All because of the sight the outside of the gym had to offer.

Yamaguchi sputters his words, face red and twisted into an ugly grimace. Tsukishima can barely make out the words, so he doesn’t strain himself on trying. He eyes Yachi smile sadly, sees her lips move and he notices how Yamaguchi strains as Yachi puts a hand on his shoulder. Tsukishima wants to laugh, call it pathetic, tease him lightly about it later.

He would, that is, if it weren’t for the straining hand of envy, frustration and every other bad feeling wrapped around his torso, thumb pushing him, drowning him in a sea of ice. It leaves him numb and choked.

Hinata seems to have watched him stare outside for what seems is an obscene amount of time; when he turns around, face contorted into a pained expression and arms to his stomach, the short boy is already standing there. “Tsukishima?” he starts cautiously. “Are you okay?”

Tsukishima’s eyes dart quickly, from Hinata’s concerned face to Kageyama approaching them, to the walls of the gym fading in and out of focus and seemingly closing in on him. Without warning, he collapses in a blurred frenzy, causing Kageyama to approach faster, Hinata shouting his name and desperately fanning him with his hands.

The tears in his eyes and the muddled thoughts in his head won’t allow him to focus on Hinata and Kageyama. They desperately ask what’s wrong, and the rock in his throat and the clenching sensation around his stomach makes him sputter incoherent words, just as he saw Yamaguchi doing.

“Ya… Y-yama,” he manages before choking up and gagging. Hinata shushes him, informs Kageyama to get Tsukishima’s bag from the clubroom, and settles himself down in front of Tsukishima.

“Don’t worry,” Hinata offers his tiny hand for Tsukishima to squeeze. “It’s okay, you need to breathe, Tsukishima, breathe.”

Tsukishima hurriedly takes gasps of air, the puffs of oxygen not staying long enough in his lungs to actually help him. Hinata releases his hand from the really tight grip, steadying Tsukishima’s shoulders and wordlessly demonstrating how to breathe deeply.

The tall blond tugs on Hinata’s sleeve and pulls him closer, not really registering what he’s doing, only knowing that he might as well need it. Hinata encircles his arms around Tsukishima, understanding the silent plead. Tsukishima’s eyes dart all over the gym, landing on Kageyama appearing with a duffel bag in his hand and a messenger bag strapped across his shoulder all the way to his waist, gripping the duffel bag as tight as he could.

“Tsukishima,” Hinata starts as Kageyama sits down beside him. “You can’t go home alone. Want us to call your parents?”

Tsukishima thinks they’re overreacting, but says yes anyways.


	3. Realisations of one broken Tsukishima Kei

Akiteru is sent to pick him up. Hinata and Kageyama promise, in stutters and hushed voices, not to tell anyone. The words that greet Tsukishima are short, well-versed, and to be expected.

“You okay?”

Tsukishima goes through all his options quickly. _Yeah._ What a lie. _No._ Akiteru’s gonna flip. The car’s gonna crash. They’ll end up dead. _Nothing I can’t handle._ Akiteru’s going to have that look when Tsukishima talks about his episodes like that. _I’m used to it._ That’s exactly the same as the last one.

“Can you pop in a CD?” Tsukishima requests quietly. Akiteru silently opens the glove compartment and hands the few CD cases to Tsukishima. The younger blond thumbs through the records quickly, choosing the compilation of Dvořák, Schubert, and Chopin. He ponders back to when he sat on his computer, waiting for it to finish burning the CD.

They listen to the second movement of From the New World, until Akiteru speaks. “I brought the usual. It’s in the backseat.”

Tsukishima knows exactly what he’s talking about. He leans towards the back, grabbing a plastic bag. A small slice of strawberry shortcake and a tall caramel frappucino from the crowded Starbucks a few blocks away from Karasuno. As girly as it was, Tsukishima feels the need to cry again.

“You wanna talk about it?” Akiteru side-eyes Kei staring at the cold beverage.

“You won’t believe,” he whispers so quietly. Akiteru would be the most ignorant person in the world if he hadn’t recognised the brokenness that came from those three words.He gestures for his younger brother to go on. “I saw Yamaguchi trying to confess a while ago. I… I don’t know if he ever did it, but I know he tried to.”

“And?” 

“And, well, if I was warned beforehand maybe I could have avoided sensing love in the air and getting an attack?” He laughs bitterly at his own joke. “But the thing is, He never told me, you know? He didn’t think to inform me of what he was planning today. Maybe he did, and it slipped my mind, but that would be highly unlikely, since my headphones are broken and I have that stupid ability to tune in to everything my ears can hear.”

Akiteru’s hand twitches on the driver’s wheel, as if wanting to give Kei a small, brotherly hug. 

“It hit me, you know? It was like getting the only bullet from the revolver. I sort of knew it was coming? But I didn’t care enough to stop myself from getting hurt.”

“What hit you?”

“A realisation.”

“That?” 

“Yamaguchi… has a life outside of me.” The concept is so obvious, so mundane, Tsukishima almost kicks himself for not knowing this all along. He takes a long sip from the frappucino as tears threaten to gather in his eyes. “It’s stupid and lame, I think, that realising that surprised me, but I guess I was never smart or cool to begin with.”

They run into a stop light, and now Akiteru can reach out to pat Kei’s back gently, the other hand gripping the wheel tightly.

“I just, I don’t know what to think anymore, you know? After entering high school,” Tsukishima paused, set down the plastic cup and buried his face in his hands. “Our relationship just went to shit. And I know these sort of changes are normal, but I don’t want that.”

Akiteru regrets having to continue driving. He listens, with a solemn look on his face, to his little brother, _The_ Tsukishima Kei, with little to no emotions, sobbing in the passenger seat of the family car.

“Kei, please don’t cry,” he says softly. There’s nothing to say afterwards, because Akiteru doesn’t know what to say. 

“He’s going to leave me, Akiteru!” Kei cries harder, folding in on himself. “He’s going to leave me and I don’t know what I’ll do.” The last vowel carries into his sobs, and gets cut off only when Kei starts coughing. The car stops as they stop in front of the house.

“Hey.” Akiteru gets out of his seat. There’s a pregnant pause as he walks around the car to open Tsukishima’s door. “You’ll figure it out. Though it’s not likely that you have to.”

“What?” Kei gets out of the car. “Why?”

“I’m sure Yamaguchi wouldn’t leave you because of some petty crush.”

“Uh, yeah, he would.”

“And that, Kei, is where you’re wrong.” Akiteru sends their mom a quick text. “Tadashi’s a good kid. A good kid who has a heart.”

“And so?”

“And so,” Akiteru flicks Kei’s (snivelling) nose. “ _You_ should eat your cake, it’s probably soggy by now.

* * *

 Tsukishima’s halfway through his cake when he sees it. A thread of multiple texts. He checks Yamaguchi’s first. 

_From: Tadashi_  
_Tsukki !!! Sry I forgot to tell u i wasn’t gonna join you,, hope u can forgive ;~;  
_ _Received: 7:30 pm_

_From: Tadashi_  
_sHiT what happened??? Hinata told me, Kei are you okay?!?!  
_ _Received: 7:35 pm_

Tsukishima decides not to reply. He types a message to Hinata. 

_To: Hinata_  
_You fucking promised not to tell.  
_ _Sent: 7:40 pm_

A ding informs him of a new message just as he sent his. He checks Hinata’s long string of texts.

_From: Hinata_  
_Remember 2 drink lots of water !! that is, betting on the chanc that u cried lots  
_ _Received: 7:29 pm_

_From: Hinata_  
_ASJDJKS I’M SORRY !!!!!!! IT SLIPPED  
_ _Received: 7:40 pm_

Tsukishima feels anger clenching around his head, urging him to raise his fists in contempt. A new message comes his way.

_From: Hinata_  
_Btw! I’m going to tell Kageyama.. not 2moro tho i gues??  
_ _Received: 7:41 pm_

Suddenly, he doesn’t feel so angry anymore.

* * *

To make up for things, Yamaguchi is with him the whole weekend. Tsukishima, then, would be lying if he had said he didn’t enjoy every minute of it. He’d be lying if he’d said he didn’t like every time Yamaguchi grabbed his hand, held it tightly, tracing every crevice and knuckle. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t wish for more, for Yamaguchi, perhaps, to lean in and whisper sweet nothings in his ear, for Tsukishima to whisper back, for them to press their lips together and—

He’s in too deep. Tsukishima curses at himself for being so cheesy and vanilla.

“Tsukki! Can I borrow your phone?” Yamaguchi lets go of his sweaty hand, using it instead to support his leaning frame. 

“Sure,” Tsukishima says, giving him the device. “You know the passcode.”

“Okay,” Yamaguchi replies. He fiddles around with the phone, navigating through apps and folders as if it was his own. “Oh yeah, I always forget to remind you.”

“Hm?”

“You never answered my question before. Why _is_ your passcode 1112?”

“I don’t know, why do you keep borrowing my phone?”

“I asked you first.”

Tsukishima thinks for a while, feigning that he was deep in thought. “Well, people usually think it’s a repeating number, or a series of consecutive ones, so that’s mainly just to outsmart most people, I guess.”

“Of course, always so smart.”

“Well, that, and it has some sort of meaning to me.”

“Oh? And that is?” Yamaguchi stops doing whatever on Tsukishima’s phone and peers over to Tsukishima, reading his book, or at least pretending to.

“Well, uh… a disruption of a pattern? So there’s something to destroy routine, or some deep shit, I suppose.”

Yamaguchi’s laugh. Tsukishima mentally celebrates that he came up with a reason so quickly. He’d be too embarrassed to reveal his passcode is actually just that because it’s their jersey numbers put together.

“By the way,” Tsukishima composes himself. “How’d things go with Yachi?”

Yamaguchi looks like he’d just been caught murdering the world’s most renowned pastry chef. Although if that were the case, Tsukishima would mind only a bit. (Think of that strawberry shortcake.)

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lies. Tsukishima squints.

“You’re such a horrible liar, Tadashi. How’d things go?”

“Mm…” Yamaguchi pretends to go back to playing his game.

“Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima glares through his glasses. “Tell me, or no more free fries.”

“Fine, whatever. It’s uh… Yachi’s…” The last part is muffled when Yamaguchi buries half his face into his arm.

“Yeah? Yachi’s what?” Tsukishima leans his head into his hand, elbow digging into the mattress. 

“Yachi… likes someone else.”

“Does that someone else happen to be… Kiyoko?” Tsukishima snorts.

“Oh my God, yes. How’d you know?”

“Gaydar.”

“Shit! Tell me more.”

“No.”

* * *

  _To: Hinata_  
_Oh my god, I told Yamaguchi abou  
__Sent: 9:40 pm_

_From: Hinata_  
_SHT ABT WAT?!?!?!?!  
_ _Received: 9:40 pm_

_To: Hinata_  
_T my gaydar  
_ _Sent: 9:41 pm_

_To: Hinata_  
_Sorry, sent it early. Sweet fuck how do you even type so fast  
_ _Sent: 9:41_

_From: Hinata_  
_so vulgar!!! but ye,, i, the mst powerful gay, m so gay, the gaynergy is snt 2 every part of my body  
_ _Received: 9:42 pm_

_To: Hinata_  
_Or, you’re just normally gay like the rest of us and are too small to contain all that energy  
_ _Sent: 9:43 pm_

_From: Hinata_  
_GAYNERGY!!  
_ _Received: 9:43 pm_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we see an accurate conversation between two gays


	4. Idiot match-up

_Journal entry no. 166_

_I, Tsukishima Kei of class 1-4, Karasuno High School, am cursed._

This, this is what Tsukishima Kei of class 1-4, Karasuno High School plans to write in that blue, leather-bound journal of his. The blue, leather-bound journal with a crescent moon clumsily drawn in white ink that Yamaguchi had gotten him for his 14th birthday, of which Tsukishima had only found a use of 7 months ago. 

But what exactly is he cursed with?

_Cursed with the ability to witness every rom-com reminiscent moment behind the school gym after hours._

_Within the past few months, I have seen our captain kiss a siren that is our vice-captain; our two managers casually doing gay things with each other (I don’t know what talking behind the school gym makes them gay, but I just_ know _.); Yamaguchi confessing; and finally, two idiots unknowingly helping me discover which one of them is the bigger idiot. (It’s Kageyama, but he’ll never know that.)_

To expound on the matter, a flashback to five minutes ago might be of help.

* * *

Tsukishima Kei is disgusted. Rightfully so, as he watches Hinata fumble over his words, letting them spill from his mouth fast like bullets then taking them back just as quickly.

“K-kageyama… I like you— I mean! Not in that way… Wait! Shit! I mean… uh… totally in that way, a-and…”

Though, that’s not why he’s disgusted. He’s disgusted at the way Kageyama’s face seems to transfigure into confusion then anger, flickering back and forth until he seems to settle on the latter.

“Dumbass!” He starts, pulling at Hinata’s hair quite gently, but hard enough to get his point across. “Get your shit together! I don’t get what you’re saying,” he growls with a huff. “And if you’re going to have your head caught up with whatever issue you have, take that and redirect it to volleyball for once in your life!” He storms off, leaving Hinata chewing at his nails and running off to the clubroom.

Tsukishima argues with himself to do one of two things, bash his skull inwards or do the same to Kageyama. He decides to stay behind and comfort Hinata. (even if that means missing walking home with Yamaguchi.)

“Tsukki!” Makes Tsukishima jump out of his skin. It’s pleasant, relaxing, not-idiot Yamaguchi. He finds himself putting on a small smile and loosening up a little. “I just saw Hinata run off to the clubroom. I think he was crying? Do you know what happened? We should make sure he’s alrig—“

“You know what, Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima says too fast for his liking, pushing his glasses up and fixing his bag. “You should go ahead, uh, I’ll make sure he’s alright, I guess? I think I left something in the clubroom.”

“You sure?” Yamaguchi clutches Tsukishima’s pale, clammy hand. “I could stay and help, if you want.”

“No, no, I’m fine.”

Yamaguchi eyes him over, then smiles. A national treasure. “Okay, Tsukki!” He chirps. He squeezes Tsukishima’s hand one last time then punches the blond’s shoulder lightly. “Good luck! I’ll text you later, okay?” Yamaguchi runs off, waving.

“Okay,” Tsukishima whispers, slowly coming back to reality.

* * *

 

Which brings him back to the present, wherein he is still yet to open the metal door of the small clubroom, only to find a sulking Hinata Shoyo. What a nice way to end a Wednesday. Tsukishima sighs.

“Hinata?” Tsukishima says softly, trying not to open the door too loudly. 

Hinata looks so much smaller than what he really is. “Go away,” he says, hiccuping slightly. “I’ve had enough for one day.”

Tsukishima ignores this in favour of sitting down next to Hinata. The small boy tightens his grip on the hoodie pulled over his head and pulls it farther down his face. “Hinata.” Tsukishima tries to gently pry Hinata’s shaking hands off of the bright orange fabric. “Come on, face me. Tell me.” Slowly, gently, he manages to extract Hinata’s hands off the hood, and proceeds to pull off the cotton, revealing Hinata’s rather disheveled state.

“I’m a mess.” Hinata’s lip quivers. “Tsukishima, why am I so stupid?” He begins to pull at his hair with one hand, the other near his face, nails being bitten. “I should’ve known.” Fresh tears follow the trail old ones left, flowing down his red cheeks in painfully slow motions. “I should’ve known all he’d think about was volleyball.” His nose is letting loose strands of snot, going back and forth as Hinata attempts to suck it back in.

“Hinata, you’re not stupid. You were just, well…” _saying things a little too fast._

“What?” Hinata sobs. “Pathetic? Lame? Slovenly? Tsukishima, I really can’t deal with your insults right now, okay?”He fumes through tears and snot and sweat. “I have more important things to fuck myself over with. What are you? Blind?”

“Uh, no.” Tsukishima tries to angle himself so moonlight bounces off his glasses. “I think I have made it perfectly clear I have 20-20 vision.”

Hinata smiles sincerely. “Sorry,” he whispers.

“I don’t understand,” Tsukishima decides to say. “Why couldn’t he see that you like him? You’re an open book.” Hinata grunts and looks away.

“Kageyama doesn’t know how to read.” Hinata folds in on himself even more.

“Holy shit,” Tsukishima almost laughs. “That’s got to be the smartest thing you’ve ever said.” From that, there’s a soft sigh, and light weight presses against his shoulder.

“If you don’t mind…”

“Yeah?”

“Can you…”

“Yeah.”

Tsukishima places an arm around Hinata, pulling him closer and giving him an awkward hug. There are no tingles, he thinks, like those of Yamaguchi’s hugs. No fireworks or homely warmth or the smell of rain and lavender. But it’s comfort, Tsukishima guesses, for both of them.

Then his train of thought is interrupted by soft snoring. “Holy shit,” Tsukishima, with the most logical train of thought, whispers. “What the fuck.”

He thinks of solutions. Waking Hinata up seems cruel at this point, telling him to go home. Alone. At night. In the rain. Wait, it’s not raining. He could just carry him to his home. In the mountains. At night. In the ra—stop that. The most rational person in the world decides to hook Hinata up.

_To: King of the idiots_  
Kageyama? Are you there?  
Sent: 7:09 pm 

_From: King of the idiots_  
No Im in my house. Pft course I am why the hell would i not answer if I wasnt. What do you want??  
Received: 7:11 pm 

_To: King of the idiots_  
Can you pick up Hinata?  
_Sent: 7:12 pm_

_From: King of the idiots_  
Like right now???  
Received: 7:13 pm 

_To: King of the idiots_  
No,, like,, next week YES YOU IDIOT  
Sent: 7:13 pm 

_From: King of the idiots_  
Im already in my pjs though  
Received: 7:15 pm 

_To: King of the idiots_  
Don’t care. I can’t /bear/ to trek over those goddamn mountains  
Sent: 7:16 pm 

_From: King of the idiots_  
Hey stupidshima I didn’t say no  
Received: 7:19 pm 

Tsukishima is forced to wait with a sound asleep Hinata for 5 more minutes. Kageyama comes dressed in what appears to be…

“A Kitagawa Daiichi jacket? You’ve got to be kidding,” Tsukishima snorts. “I bet you’re even wearing your old gym clothes.” Quick on his wits, (or memory, if you please.) Tsukishima comes toa realisation. “You sleep like that?”

“No! I— whatever. Is he ready to go?”

“That’s the thing,” Tsukishima explains. “He’s asleep.”

Tsukishima doesn’t anticipate what happens next. He almost drops Hinata as he stands up and looks at Kageyama. He’s smiling. It’s not because he’s happy, or anything of the sort. The smile has him looking somewhat nostalgic.

“Of course,” he says softly, eyes looking the same way at Hinata. “Here.” He takes Hinata, picking him up as if he were a small child, and nods Tsukishima’s way.

“By the way,” Tsukishima starts. “You’ll need to tell him sorry tomorrow.”

“What?” Kageyama, as if having a million reasons why he’d need to do that and is currently scanning through all of them, holds on to Hinata the slightest bit tighter. “Why?”

“Nothing. Just do that and he’ll be happy.”

Kageyama gives another nod and turns away. Tsukishima can’t help but stare at how Kageyama looks at Hinata, with the smallest smile and the softest eyes; with such blissful ignorance and raw, innocent emotion, the faintest of blushes dusting his cheeks. 

Tsukishima can’t help the feeling he gets clawing at his stomach, the hurt in his heart. He’s jealous, he realises, but he can put that aside for now. All he could do is wish, after all. Wish for someone to look at him like that, for that someone to be the single most amazing person he’s ever laid eyes on. He can only wish for Yamaguchi to look at him the same way Tsukishima looks at him.

And it is at this exact moment, when time is slowed down, when Kageyama’s steps down the stairs takes an hour to complete one, that Tsukishima makes a decision for a problem with no options. He’s going to tell Yamaguchi. Not now, however. He makes a plan; An elaborate plan that would include making sure not to get into the same universities as Yamaguchi, living alone, changing his phone number, and cutting off all ties with anyone that has even a strand of connection to anyone from his prefecture.

Just as time resumes back to normal, Tsukishima makes another note. Another journal entry for the blue notebook with the moon that has a red counterpart with the stars. 

_Journal entry no. 167_

_An actual pie chart on how gay the Karasuno boys’ volleyball team really is._

Tsukishima gets another peek at Kageyama’s retreating back, Hinata’s face covered in tears, sweat and drool as it droops off Kageyama’s shoulder. He remembers the way Kageyama looks at Hinata. He remembers every word Hinata has spoken about Kageyama. Little praises and displays of admiration and affection. 

It makes him want to push them off the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally only wrote this fic just for this chapter.
> 
> may the 4th be with you dudes


	5. The one where Tsukishima Kei inadvertently plays Russian Roulette

_From: Yachi_  
_I remember 1 time yamaguchi told me he could be bi if only guys werent so keen on making fun of him_  
_Received: 12:05 am_

 _To: Yachi_  
_Go to sleep you liar_  
_Sent: 12:06 am_

 _From: Yachi_  
_I dont see you going to sleep_  
_Received: 12:28 am_

 _To: Yachi_  
_That's because u can’t see people when ur texting them_  
_Sent: 12:30 am_

* * *

 

When things don’t go according to plan, one would most likely be at two ends: plan B, or abort.

In this case, plan being to keep his sexuality a mystery from Yamaguchi until at least graduation, Tsukishima can’t do either. He didn’t think a joke would run this far. It started with a simple…

“Yamaguchi, I love you.” 

The nervous look on Yamaguchi’s face tells Tsukishima he shouldn’t have said that. Yamaguchi’s face was plastered with curiosity, anxiety, and the most worrying _knowing_ look. Tsukishima feels personally betrayed.

“What made you say that?” He finally starts, setting down his soda.

“Because I do. Also, I’m dying.” Tsukishima tries to continue his joke, of which he knows will be a fail at this point.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I guess…” Tsukishima lies through his teeth. He should really turn back, Tsukishima knows, but for some reason, he can’t. Or he doesn’t want to.

“So what if I said it depends on what you’re talking about?”

“Huh?”

“The ‘I love you’ thing.” Yamaguchi looks down, blushing. Tsukishima unfurls backwards to avoid looking at Yamaguchi.

“I think we both know what I’m talking about.” Now he’s done it. There’s no more turning back. He’s pulling a trigger, and, to some extent, he’s feeling rather optimistic.

“Oh.” Yamaguchi only mutters, and they leave the silence alone for a short while. For the first time ever, it’s awkward. Tsukishima’s pulled it; now he waits. “I’ve always… sort of known.”

Tsukishima surprisingly anticipated that. Anticipated that Yamaguchi’s smart enough to pick up on cues, that he has known Tsukishima long enough to realise this, anticipated that of course he’d go through Hinata’s and his texts.

“I sort of knew that you sort of knew.” He finally decides. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Yamaguchi turns his head to look at Tsukishima, a small smile on his tan face. “You can’t help feelings, can you?” 

Tsukishima is relieved. Relieved that Yamaguchi is okay with this. Also, “Yamaguchi.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re the purest angel that I’ve ever crossed paths with.”

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi turns bright red and buries his face in his hands. “You can’t just say things like that!”

“Yeah, whatever.” Tsukishima pushes himself back upright. “Is that all you can say about what I feel about you?

“Well,” Yamaguchi finds Tsukishima’s hand with his own. “I guess, I’m okay with it. You don’t really try to do anything about it, do you?”

“No, of course not.” Tsukishima turns his head away. “I can’t risk our friendship for something as petty as a high school crush.”

“Did you really think I’d outright end what we have because of the slight difference in what we think of each other?” Yamaguchi says quietly. “I’m hurt, Tsukki.”

“Shut up,” Tsukishima grumbles. “I was afraid _I’d_ end it.”

Yamaguchi tightens his grip around his friend’s hand. “You’ll always be my best friend, Tsukki.” He tangles their fingers in such care, Tsukishima thinks if one weren’t listening to the conversation, they’d think Yamaguchi likes him back. Oh, how much he’d want that. “Though I assume you know how I feel, yeah?”

“It's crystal clear.”

There’s a small pause between them. Then they start laughing.

“Oh god, Tadashi, I love you so much.”

“I know, Tsukki. I know.”

“How, though?”

“Sugawara told me.” Yamaguchi admits in between soft giggles.

“And you didn’t believe him?”

“I did, I did. I just wanted to hear it from you.”

“Evil. You’re evil.”

“So, I heard Kageyama and Hinata are dating now?”

Before this chilly December day, Tsukishima couldn’t even begin to comprehend the thought of telling Yamaguchi. Hanging out in the park with his best friend, drinking warm sodas they found in Akiteru’s “secret” stash, that he could do. But he’d never expect to do both in one day. But guess what? He’s totally okay with that.

* * *

 

_To: Hinata_  
_Hinata you won’t believe this._  
_Sent: 4:30 pm_

* * *

 

It’s three months after and they’re lying down amongst grass, enjoying the last few hours before dark.

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima combs his hand through his hair.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think, if circumstances were different, we’d be dating?” 

“I’d like to think so, yes. But you know, contrasting sexualities, different things.” Yamaguchi turns his whole body and props himself up on his side. “Would you want us to date, though?”

“I used to think I would, but then the only new thing would be the kissing, and maybe even—“

“Stop! Oh my god! Shut up!” Yamaguchi laughs, “Ugh, please don’t make me think about that.”

“Hey, believe me, I wouldn’t want that either.” Tsukishima smirks. “I mean, me? In a situation that would imply commitment and sexual activity? Impossible.”

Yamaguchi laughs again, softer. “So are you saying we’re practically dating, but we don’t know it?”

“Yeah, I guess. Dating is a man-made concept, it can be anything you want it to be.”

“Would it be dating if the two people were in a complicated relationship like we do?”

“Pft,” Tsukishima huffs. “I like you and you think of me as a friend, how is that so hard to understand?”

“Let me be deep for once, please.” Yamaguchi rolls his eyes. “God, you never let me have these kinds of things. Besides, maybe one day, I’ll like you.”

“But will I still like you?”

“We’ll see.”

It ends on a hopeful note. 

It’s three months after, and they’re slightly older, wiser and happier. They don’t have the most common friendship, but this is normal for them. Tsukishima is glad. Glad that everything is normal.

It stings him a little, the possible present he would have if Yamaguchi really would like him. But this, what they have, it is what it is. There’s nothing better he could’ve asked for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! so,, i understand if this isn't the ending u wanted. sorry, but this is the one i planned. I wanted to keep it realistic, and frankly, this fic was just my self-projecting. Nevertheless, it's still a happy ending. Or so i believe. A happy ending is one where everyone is content. And Tsukki's content.
> 
> also sorry if this last one was short. thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments, they all meant a lot ;w;
> 
> u can also say hi ((complain about this fic to me)) on [my tumblr](http://kalopsia-hiraeth.tumblr.com/)


End file.
